I’m writing a short story. I’d appreciate your help, my dear chap.?

Question by Alexander Black: I’m writing a short story. I’d appreciate your help, my dear chap.?
Hello, there.
I’m writing a short story, and I’d like to know what to add, remove or change.
I’m just getting started, this is just a little fragment. And I want some opinions.
After I finish this I’ll make a video, I’ll narrate the story and put some background music, some people to voice the characters and upload it to youtube.
You can e-mail me if you wanna see it. I’ll send you the link after it’s finished.
But anyways… Here it is….
______________ _____________________ _________________

The black veil of night covered the entire town. The loud roar of silence tears the mantle of laughter and whispers of the little children. Not even the most miserable beam of light can be seen. Only the bright silhouette of the moon can break the terrifying darkness of this night.

No one was outside, all the children, all the adults, and the elderly were asleep in their silent homes, in the comfort of their fake security; in the midst of that sepulchral silence, they sleep. They rest; they wait for the sun to rise. But not us… Not that day… There we were, all together, about to explore the vast universe of the unseen, about to jump into the blackness of the devil’s mouth.

Countless stories have I heard. Stories about men and women who dared to cross the blurry and fading line between Hell and Earth, men and women who were imprisoned by madness and sorrow, haunted by their own demons and fears. All these people met merciless demons and death; they shed tears and cried out loud in vain.

Endless stories… They keep plaguing my mind… All those stories, all those warnings I’ve heard. I disregarded each and every single one of them. Their weight suffocates me… I should’ve listened; I should’ve taken a step back. But no, I was fatuous, foolish and stubborn! Now I’ll forever carry the burden of that day. The spilling blood and the cold horror will never leave my mind, they rape my memories, and they weigh me down. I know there’s nothing left but to bear this pain until the end of my days.

Just a game… Just a game… JUST A GAME!

It’s not just a game…
“Ouija… Ouija… Ouija”

Best answer:

Answer by xcvfvf
You seem to be painting a picture of the town subjectively until you say “their fake security” – I wish you would take that out cause at that moment I pulled away from the scene and now wondering about whos voice im hearing the story in and why he/she felt necessary to tell me that they think the security is fake. loose it.

The paragraph starting “endless stories…” get rid of this whole paragraph and just jump into the scene, start up some dialog and what is going on with the people playing Ouija. As a reader this paragraph was irritating.

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2 thoughts on “I’m writing a short story. I’d appreciate your help, my dear chap.?”

  1. Hmm…This was heavy reading! Big words. It would be more interesting if you had some speaking in here. Conversation always wakes me up.
    OH. Send me the link when you’re done.

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